Egomania..........
by PearlyJammer
Summary: Dr. Evil's new diabolical scheme...... Crosover with the X-Men
1. Default Chapter

Title:  Damn I'm Cool  1/? 

Author: Autumn, recognize yo. 

E-mail: I_am_GOD_@heaven.net

Summary:  Rogue suffers from a small case of Egomania…

Author's Notes:  I'd like to thank myself for giving such a brilliant idea to my own incredibly smart brain.  I rock. 

Further notes:  Crossover with Austin Powers…….. 

Disclaimer:  I am my own God and I created everything.   That includes the characters from X-Men and Austin Powers.  Now bow down to my greatness……….

Somewhere in the misty meadows of Ohio we see an evil sorcerer unhatching his most recent diabolical plan……….

"I shall call it, Kick ass me!"   

"But Dr. Evil, ver shall ve put et?  

"Oh I know just the place.  It's kind of quaint.  Kind of kinky."  

"You're so damn lame.  You think they'll just;

"Zip it Scott." 

"But-"

"Hush, puppy!" 

"That's no-"

"Zippity do da, zippity ah!" 

"I'm telling you, there is no way you can get into" 

"Silence!  My brother loves me!  Why wouldn't he let me in?" 

"I'm not gonna argue." 

"Oh and Scott?" 

"What?" 

"You're what they'd call, a mutant!" (does the little finger thing)

"I hate you! I wish I'd never been grown in a lab and experimented on by a bunch of psycho government doctors you call your friends!"  Scott Evil shouts before running off into the forest.  

"Such a particular boy.  He must get it from his mother." 

"Don't look at me that way Doctor!" Frau shrieked. 

"Number two, did you bring the rocket launcher?" 

"No.  We uh, couldn't afford it." Number 2 stated. 

"Okay.  A small aircraft then." 

"No, that was out of our price range too." 

"A blimp?" 

"No."

"A hot air balloon?" 

Nope." 

"Well what am I supposed to do?  Send it by frickin' federal express?" 

"We do have a homing pigeon." 

"How can I take over the world with a little white bird?!" 

 " The homing pigeon can travel a distance of over 2,000 miles in a day and a half.  I assure you, the package will be in Westchester at the appropriate time." The one eyed-wonder concluded.     

"Good.  Then I can take over the world!  Mwahahah, Mwahahahhah, Mwahh-" (looks around and sees nobody else is laughing.)  "The thrill is gone."  Dr. Evil states before stalking off in the same direction as Scott. 

Three Days later in Westchester:  

"Rogue, babe, you've got mail" Jubilee called out to her bestest friend ever.  

Curious, the two-toned girl approached and opened what appeared to be a cage.  Inside, she saw a little bird with a bottle and a note tied around its neck.  She reached in and pulled the bird out.  After unthreading the little guy from his burden, she let him loose out the window conveniently located right next to the table in the hallway.  

A letter was attached to a little glass bottle that was ever so cute.  She took the paper out and read out loud.   

"My fairest beauty in all of the land.  Should you drink this, your prince will come home. Promise.  But should this bottle slip through your fingers, crack on the tile and spill on your foot, hehe, bad things will commence."  

"Dude.  Who sent that?" 

"I don't know.  Not Logan though, he doesn't use the word 'of.' It's not in his vocabulary." Rogue reasoned. 

            "Jubilee found that remark particularly funny and began to ferociously bang her fist against the table.  This in turn knocked the bottle off of it's perch and sure enough, as was prophesied it broke on the floor and splashed all over Rogue's shoes.  

            "Sorry Roguei. I know how much you love those shoes. I'll buy you a new pair."

            "Yes, you will. In all my coolness I wouldn't have been so clumsy as you are."  Rogue replied with a strange air to her voice. 

            Jubilee looked up, puzzled by that esoteric remark, but shrugged it off.  As she shook her head, she failed to see her friend's naturally brown eyes grow to a glowing green.  Something Evil was afoot.  Little did they know, it would only grow stronger…………….


	2. Who Put the Crack in the Salad?

Disclaimer in part One…….

6:00, Westchester

Cafeteria

            Kitty, Jubilee and Rogue entered the cafeteria, or 'food zoo' as it was more commonly referred too.  The place was crowded with all the mansion's inhabitants gathered at the mouth of the food line.  The girls walked up to the end of their line and were shocked when Rogue continued on to the front. 

            "Hey, chica, uh the back of the line is you know, here" Jubilee pointed out to her best fried.

            "This is true.  Which is why I should be at the front. That tends to be the natural place on the evolutionary scale for us" she finished up sounding disturbingly smug. 

            "Who put the crack in her salad?" Kitty asked her roommate.

            "I'm not sure.  She's been really weird all day," Jubes concluded while watching Rogue shove her way to the front of the line. 

            After dinner, instead of clearing her place like everybody else, Rogue simply left her cup, utensils, and plate at the table.  Upon the curious looks she received, she reasoned, "we pay people to clean for us, why should I have to?"   

            Not getting the desired look of understanding, she simply shook her head and muttered "you simpletons" before waltzing out of the room. 

            "I'm starting to think she needs an attitude adjustment" Kitty replied.  

            "I don't know, something weird happened with this jar earlier…"

            The two looked at each other briefly; "nah, that only happens in the movies" they said simultaneously and headed for the stairs.  

Elsewhere in New York……………

            "Victor would you get the door please?"  

            "What do I look like? A fuckin; butler?" 

            "No, but should you fail to obey me, you're not getting any." 

            "Fine, MissTake!" Victor spat at the blue woman. 

            "Oh very mature" she answered and stuck her tongue out at him. 

            Sighing in defeat, Sabertooth walked to the door and pulled it open.  What he saw on the other side of the door made him quake in his bones.

            "Hello, Sabertooth.  Or should I say, Mr. Biglesworth  number one?"  Dr. Evil inquired, uh evily.

            "That was a long time ago! You have not power over me" Victor shouted and ran away.   

            Shifting into a brunette, Mystique walked over and took in the man in the door.  "Well, any man that can scare Victor is certainly a friend of mine.  Please come in." 

            Erik Lensher strode into the doorway shocked to see a congregant of people in the room.  "Having a party without me?"   

            "Hello Erik."  

            "Aevil" 

            "Evil.  Dr. Evil."  

            "You never gave up that childish nickname?"

            "Riggghhht.  Everyone, this is my brother Erik, also know as "Magneto."  "Magneto this is Frau Farbisino, Number Two, Mini-me and my son, Scott Evil." 

            "Charmed I'm sure. And to what do I owe this pleasure?" 

            "I want to rid the world of, Austin Powers, and you will help me.  By taking over the world."  

            "And how do you presume to undertake such an ambitious plan?" 

            "With a little something I call, "Kick ass me. I developed it myself."  

            "You ass, Frau did all the work" Scot interrupted 

            "Scott, what have I told you about interrupting me when I'm talking to adults?" 

            " What? You actually think he's gonna fall for that 'I made it myself' crap? God you're dumb." 

            "The young man has a point" Erik interjected, ending the quarreling between the two.  

            "Let's cut the crap doctor and get right to the point." 

            "Fine Erik.  I shall explain everything to you, if you let me stay here for a few days.  Hotels are so expensive, and they wanted to count Mini-me as a dog.

            "Agreed.  Now tell me, what does this potion of yours do?"  

            "It brings on a slight case of………egomania!" 

Westchester:  

            Jubilee and Kitty had decided enough was enough and were taking matters into their own hands.  

            "Come in" Professor Xavier called when he heard the knock on his study.  

            "What can I help you with?" 

            "It's about Rogue."   Jubilee began

            "She's been acting really weird Kitty continued. 

            "We think you should call Logan.  She's starting to sound like Magneto again, but more stuck up." 

            The girls told him everything, beginning with the broken bottle and ending with the latest incident. 

            "She won't let either of us into out room.  She claims there is an IQ prerequisite and that we fall far below it" Kitty spat out. 

            "Thank you for your time girls, I'm sure we will get this all straightened out, not I must ask you to excuse me, I have a phone call to make." 

            A few minutes later, Charles wheeled himself into Cerebro to pinpoint Logan's location.  Once he had retrieved the hotel's name and phone number he headed back into his office and picked up the phone.  It rang seven times before being picked up. 

            "Whadya want?" 

            "Logan it's Charles Xavier.  I need you to fly to London immediately and retrieve Austin Powers." 

            "What the fuck for?" 

            "It's about Rogue.  There will be an airline ticket waiting for you at the counter of the nearest airport.  Contact me as soon as you get to London." He concluded before hanging up the phone.  He just hoped Austin and Logan would return in time before Rogue's head got any bigger. 


	3. Down on Your Knees!

Magneto's Lair…………

Scott Evil, Number Two and Erik are all playing poker and enjoying a drink.  

"So" the younger Evil began. 

"So."  Erik rhetorically replied. 

"So suck your toe, all the way to Mexico.  When you're there, cut off your hair and stuff it down your underwear" Number two muttered, mostly too himself. Yet loud enough to earn an odd look from his comrades. 

"Uh, what do you do for a living?  Dad didn't really talk about you much."   

"I run the legitimate face of—"  

"Not you, I know what you do.  I was talking to him," Scott explained exasperatedly. 

"Well, I'm a bit of a mutant rights activist."  Erik said noncommittally.

"That's not what CNN said" Number two interjected.

"Vicious lies.  I did what I had to do, simple as that.  And I would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for those vile X-Men!" 

"Um sure."  

"To answer you're second question, you're father doesn't like to remember me.  I was the mutant of the family, an outcast to my own kin. Typical really, one's own brother casts him aside in favor of normalcy and popularity."  

Scott was intrigued, but a little confused, naturally it came out sarcastically.  "Could you be a little more enigmatic?"  

"Well, I suppose I could try.  As the sands shift through the hourglass of life, one must keep in mind that there is no real equality.  Even sand discriminates.  There is no use in thinking a simple cluster of sand granules can coexist in one globe by themselves.  A grand is bound to get it into his or her little head that he or she should be the last grin through the channel.  Superior to all in stealth, fitness and of course intelligence.  

            And then where one begins, naturally the others will follow.  Once said grain is embraced by the masses, an opposing group will be needed to finish the counter play.  An offending, or weaker group if you will.  One upon whom they thrust their condensation and misconduct upon, And the players are all in place.  The moral majority vs the renegade graduals.  Truly a metaphor for our times" Erik finished.

"Okay, but what does that mean in ENGLISH?!" Scott demanded. 

"It means you're a mutant, people are going to hate you."  

"How did he become a mutant?"  Number two asked, intrigued by such a thought.  

"The same way mutated sea bass become affected." 

"Oh." 2 nodded his head in understanding.  

"Wait, I'm kinda lost here.  How'd it happen and what's my mutation?" 

"Well, if you want to go down into my creation room, we can test it out.  Shall we?"  

"Hell, I don't have anything better to do. Can we do something to my dad, make him more normal like you?" 

Erik chuckled and clapped his hand on Scott's shoulder as they left the room.  "You're father is beyond even the help of the most advanced science I'm afraid."  

"Well damn."  Scott said, slightly disappointed. 

Meanwhile in London………………

Austin and a female friend are in the beginning stages of foreplay when a loud banging of the door interrupts them.  

"Hold on a tick" Austin said as he extricated himself from the Tanzanian Barbie doll.  

He opened the door to find a burly, hairy man on the other side of the door.  Making a motion as if dialing a phone, he looked at Logan and began to speak.  "Yes, is this the ladies' service I called about an hour ago?  It is?  Well, you really ought to pay closer attention to your orders man!  I asked for an Asian woman, not some hairy beast man!"  

            Logan was unimpressed.  "I'm just kidding mate, come on inside."  

            During this interaction, the Tanzanian slipped out the door, silently enough to not disturb the men.  "You packed yet?" Logan asked, annoyed at the man in front of him. 

"Packed?  Are we going somewhere?"  a confused Mr. Powers asked. 

"Fuck, you don't know yet? Christ who's your informant?" 

"British intelligence." 

"That explains it.  Look here's the deal, you're comin' with me to save Rogue.  Some evil guy is trying to take over the world; Chuck said you'd stop him.  Move the fuck on"  

"Do you mean Dr. Evil?"  

"Yeah he's some bald fucker, but not in the good Captain Picard kinda way, more in the evil bald guy way." 

"Right.  Off we go then."  

"Grab your gear."  

"Gear?"  

"Christ.  Guns, explosives, bombs, whatever."  

"Oh, sorry I don't subscribe to that.  It's not my bag baby."  

"Call me baby again, and you'll be meeting the enda these" Logan said in a menacing voice as he shot the claws out of his right hand.  

"Why don't you put those to good use and shave off the burns.  I was frozen for 30 years and even I know those are out of style." Austin said waving to his comrade's claws before waltzing out the door.  

"Cheeky bastard.  Oh fuck, now I'm doing it.  Bloody hell" Logan muttered before following Austin out the door.  

Back in Westchester……………

            The phenomenon of Rogue's incredible ego had continued to grow and was quickly becoming an insurmountable problem to the inhabitants of the Xavier mansion.  Kids were quickly getting fed up with her superior attitude, but were for the most part unable to reply to her insults since she had adapted such an archaic form of speaking.  Kitty and Jubilee had been temporarily relocated to a room bordering St John, Kurt and Bobby, and they were not happy about it.  But as Kitty had put it, it beat having to listen to Rogue drone on about what a fantastic being she was.  

            Jubilee was constantly scheming to take the girl down a peg or two, but thus far it amounted to nothing.  Rogue had added a voice activated padlock to the door, and the trigger question was 'Who is the coolest person in the entire known universe?"  Naturally, many tried to answer 'Rogue' but got it wrong, and none of the other mansion dwellers knew the girl's real name.  It was a frustrating situation for all. Any person who looked at her funny felt the wrath of her.  Jean and Hank had only been able to coax her into the med lab to fun some tests by telling her they wanted to study her, and try to learn how to become as enlightened as she was.  Needless to say, she basked in the attention. 

             This went of for weeks and everyone was to his or her breaking point.  "We've got to find some way to contain her until Logan and Austin arrive." Storm stated.  "The kids all want to either hit her or throw things at her, it is getting to be a problem sir."   

            "I know it's a nuisance, but-  

            They were interrupted by a scuffle in the hallway.  Storm rushed to the door and wasn't surprised to see Rogue terrorizing another helpless youngster.  This time it was St. John. 

"Genuflect" Rogue commanded in a stuffy voice. 

"You can't be serioi'" 

"Bow down! Now you trogloditic scumbag."  

"Fine whatever.  Happy?" he asked angrily after kneeling in front of her and making the sign of the cross.  

"As you were." Was her only reply? 

"Psycho bitch" he muttered 

"I would not say such things if I were you" she replied before tossing a vase at his head.  

St John set it aflame and sent it hurling into the wall, missing his head by thismuch.   

Storm turned to Xavier, who had come out to watch the proceedings as well.  

"You're right.  We need to isolate her.  Bring Kitty in here; we will need her to crack the code Rogue has placed on her door. We shall strike tonight." He stated in a definite tone that left no room for argument. 


End file.
